i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
