dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
