I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
