So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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