Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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