I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
