I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
