Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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