Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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