I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
All I want is dick and wine.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
