i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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