I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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