Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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