Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
