alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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