I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
