I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
