What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
