Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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