i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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