Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
