be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
