There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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