went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
