I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize