Please, let me fuck your mom
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
