This dress was meant to end up on your floor
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
