Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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