You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
