I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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