My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Are we still banned from the library?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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