His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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