My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
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