Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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