Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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