I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
