Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
