What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
