Acid is not a monday night drug
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
