When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
