You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
