How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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