hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize