Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
