I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
