I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
