My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
