He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
