this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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