I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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