I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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