It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
