my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
