I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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