It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
