I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
