It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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