Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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